sigh. happy post-national day to everyone. last night fireworks wasn't that exciting from the marina south area. but tuesday's night one by team singapore was good. it seemed the same as new year's eve one. was along ECP, close to benjamin sheares bridge watching it. I remembered praying, God please don't let the police chase everyone away, let me have this chance to make a prayer on it and for so many other things I pray for each day. just when I said my amen. the fireworks started.

out there, in the open. as each shot went up. I felt my hopes evaporating into the air. that this may be the last swansong, the last swansong that I fear would be the last ever. to see you, or even any hope of having to chance again. even as friends. as each shot went up into the clear sky. I saw each image of what went wrong with us. each image that still resides in the depths of my heart. each image that were happier times, that still resides within my soul. there and then, I prayed, just as it seems it was the end, I prayed. God is this the last for me and her, will it ever be, have You forgotten the promise? Bang. more flew into the sky as beautiful as we once were, only to fizzle into the black sky again, into oblivion. only to serve as a memory so beautiful. I choose to believe that there is still hope. people call me stupid, they say "move on", "stop thinking", "she doesn't appreciate what you did for her". but I don't know why. I knew God was gonna make this year a difficult one for me. a truly difficult one that I've never experienced before in my life. something that I used to fight for senseless reasons has boiled down to the fact that it makes perfect sense what I'm doing now is the same as before with the same set of reasons, except, there is God with me.

I wish I could sleep forever, within that dream that I pray for each day. is it just me? or is it God? I never know. it is true, many things that are happening now. are like deja vu which I've dreamt about when I asked God to tell me in my dreams what holds for this year. I told Matthew, he thinks I sound like some prophet, funny saying. Sophia says I seem spiritual in my prayers. but it isn't me, it's God.

how much I hate myself, nobody would know. I'd rather have a 1000 knives wrenched into my wretched heart than have 2, one into hers and one into mine. this way I would feel better. it's ironic, but true. I'd rather swallow all the pain than give her the pain. afterall, that is love right? to see the one person you love being happy. nothing else matters.

friday and saturday. New Caledonia and France. fireworks. I shall watch it alone with my own sorry state lamenting about you and hating myself even more. it's all I can do, I'm useless. I wish I could ask you to join me. but I am in heavy doubt of my ownself that you'd want to even be next to me, let alone speak.

Dear God, I'm sorry, I've not been doing my part to keep up with You. Please heal me again. Each time I stand up again. all I ever find was the strength to replace my loneliness and misery. I don't know what I am anymore. at a time where everything is moving. but I'm not. even though I've accepted the reality placed before me and have seen tomorrow. the pain still resides within me. this anger, this hate. I truly hate myself. As each day passes, I can't find the reason to forgive myself. there were, there are. so many things I wish I did not do. but time has to such a pass and all I can do is just regret what I've done. but within my heart, that promise, that miracle, I pray it would still happen.

back then I knew something would sprout with God by my side. but I didn't know if it was something good or bad.

but at a time where nothing remains, what choice but to move within my own, myself and those around me. where the only choice we have is to advance.